I found this today, while procrastinating the inevitable task of adding SEO jargon to the new website.
It's dated 3/7/2016 and is embedded in an email from a friend which reads
"OH My Gawd I almost fell off the toilet laughing out loud at this. And yes i was in church. And why the hell am I just seeing this today?!"
This is the same friend who answers every e-mailed rant with the phrase "PUBLISH...NOW!"
She's a good friend. A writer. Crazy like me. And very, very patient.
Because this is proof I'm an expert procrastinator with epic levels of distractibility.
Proof I've always been crazy.
And proof I have more than one crazy, patient friend. Lucky me!
ON DONKEYS and Being Late
Once again I’m late.
(That means "shit".)
This word substitution all started with a friend who abhors swearing, although how that’s expressed using a word with “whore” in it escapes me.
In explaining the super-confusing rule-breaking code for respecting her unfounded hatred of some of my favorite words, she called me an ass. Not once. Not twice. No.
Cinco de “Ass”
But yelling. Like this: ASS!!
Okay, maybe she wasn’t yelling. Maybe it was just repetitive. But sometimes repetitive things sound like yelling. Especially via text. Especially when it’s FIVE times.
I know, right?! Excessive.
I could forgive once. In fact, I’d consider it a happy salutation. Or maybe informational.
But, pun intended, it was not. I know what it was. It was name-calling, pure and simple.
So – and here’s where my punctuality train began to meander – I remembered a recent conversation. Something about church, and Jesus, and donkeys.
They’re asses, you know. Apparently they make saying the word Ass not a swear word.
’Cause it’s a donkey.
In service to Jesus…Or the disciples…Or maybe just Saul/Paul, whom I always picture bounding down the road to Damascus in a black/white Joker outfit. Saul/Paul didn’t meander, but he WAS conflicted.
Tick. I don’t remember him riding an ass, though, so how does that work? Tock.
Wait. Jesus rode one. OK good…solid ground again.
My next thought, which I’m sure you’ll see makes perfect sense, was “If you can say abhor, and ass is just another word for donkey, then why all the fuss? Isn’t the word that starts with f and ends with ing just another word for…”
Screeeeeeeeech. My time train just veered into the trees.
The "f" word is probably not in her Lexicon. Even if Jesus did it, I’m sure he didn’t call it that. I should probably remember that. Dangerous territory.
You see now why I’m in trouble. And why I’m late. Again.
I’m really trying. Meandering, screeching, possibly blaspheming and certainly whining, but trying.
Trying to be better…trying to be good…trying to be more specifically and intellectually articulate.
So I did what any whining but trying friend would do. I responded…via text.
I hit “send” despite my PICK-UP-THE-KIDS NOW deadline, because…well… it’s always important to clarify.
Especially when you’re trying NOT to swear.
I was perfectly good, and respectful, and articulate, and “of clean mouth”.
I texted “ASS! I’m late!!”
This may have confused her. She might not know Rule #1 of our friendship…Ass-is-forevermore-generic-for-all-swear-words-so-as-not-to-offend.
We should probably add a hashtag.
It’s THAT important.
I’d tattoo it to my forehead if I wasn’t worried about the inevitable droop. That and explaining it to people, which would suck, because they’d probably get all “Whut??!” and judgy and stuff…
And SHE’D call me STUPID.
And so I’m late. Again.
I’m late and looking for a way to explain the situation to my husband. Because really, if I show him this rant he’ll just roll his eyes and call me an Ass.
And that would be one too many swear words for today. I have my limit. It’s 6.